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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24581680">a little scared of something new</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/'>Anonymous</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Various Discord Server Fics [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Original Work</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>End, Gen, Havok is blind (tm), I do what I want, Skyrates, This doesn’t really end happily idk it doesn’t really uh, Yeah this is like, but it’s whatever, but uh. It’s not, its missin the discord hours, its not lunch club, server fan fiction that’s where I am right now, the nichest of niche</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 05:21:23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,439</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24581680</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s too much, talking to so many, watching himself fail to stop his powers from bleeding out. It’s too much, staring out at the sky for hours on end without stopping, the weight of their lives in his hands. It’s too much, the pain in his head, it’s too much, it’s too much, it’s too much.</p><p>“We didn’t know,” Ghet says. His eyes are wide. “Havok.”</p><p>Havok ignores him, standing on shaking legs. “I’m goin to check on Lanie,” he whispers. </p><p>His head hurts, and he knows it will only get worse.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Various Discord Server Fics [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2031769</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Anonymous, Skyrates from Knowhere</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>a little scared of something new</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Ok I name a lotta people in here, if I got anything wrong tell me I’m sorryyyyyy I can’t look at da list right now so</p><p>Ray tell me if ur backstory is jacked up now I will gladly fix it</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“What day is it?” Havok asks Saph, stretching in his chair. </p><p>Saph blinks down at the nav. “Thursday.”</p><p>“Ah,” Havok says. “That explains the lack of Fizz around the ship.”</p><p>Saph laughs. “Yeah.” </p><p>“Wonder who she bribed to do her chores for her this time.” Havok leans back, staring out the viewport. He’s unusually tired, today. On the horizon, the sunset colors blur into each other; that’s not, uh. </p><p>It’s probably fine.</p><p>“Ray, definitely,” Saph hums, leaning to adjust one of the controls. </p><p>Havok frowns. “Who?”</p><p>Saph pauses, and the look she gives him is indecipherable. “Ray? You know.”</p><p>Havok shakes his head. “I don’t.”</p><p>“This is. This is a bit,” Saph tries. “Please tell me you remember Ray coming on board.”</p><p>“Not a bit, I swear.” Havok raises his hands helplessly. “I do not know who Ray is.” </p><p>It’s not worrying, the way Saph’s lips purse. It’s not worrying, the narrowing of her eyes.</p><p>“You don’t,” Saph says slowly, carefully, “know that Ray came on board.”</p><p>Havok sits up a little straighter. “You let a stranger on board.”</p><p>“He’s not a stranger,” Saph snaps her fingers and stands, pointing at him. “You weren’t there. You were - you were at the market, you were trading with Ollie -”</p><p>Havok doesn’t know what she’s talking about. He doesn’t like that. “Who’s Ray?” He asks again, and it’s horrible how quickly Saph answers him.</p><p>“Ray is the newest member of our crew. He joined while we were docked last week. He can -”</p><p>“Stop,” Havok croaks. “Jailbreak, jailbreak.” </p><p>Saph’s jaw snaps shut. She blinks once, twice. </p><p>She lowers her hand, like any fast movement will set him off. “He’s on board, whether you approve or not,” she whispers at him. </p><p>Havok swallows hard. He doesn’t dare speak. Her face splits in two, twin Saphs staring down at him, disappointed and - </p><p>He stands so fast his chair wobbles. Saph doesn’t try to stop him from leaving. </p><p>He passes the engine room stairs, where he can hear Lanie howling at their engine again. Ollie and Fizz are bickering in the living room. </p><p>And sure enough, there’s someone he doesn’t recognize lounging in the kitchen, using a strip of fabric to lift a cookie into his mouth. His hands gesture wildly at Ashley, who only rolls her eyes in response.</p><p>Havok runs to his room. There’s no one there, just as it should be, and when he falls onto his bunk, the pain in his head spikes.</p><p>They can barely support their crew, anymore. Saph knows this. So does Fizz, so does Lanie, so does everyone else on board. They’ll run out of provisions, they’re already working themselves into the ground, it’s already stressful enough to go around and catalogue what they have and know they aren’t going to have enough for the next inevitable mechanical problem.</p><p>They can’t keep doing this. They can’t keep doing this. </p><p>Havok can’t keep doing this.</p><p>~</p><p>It’s four in the morning. </p><p>Havok stumbles into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes. It’s not worrying when not all of the blurriness goes away.</p><p>He flicks on the lights, because why the heck not - if anyone’s asleep in here, they’ve got bigger problems than a rude awakening. </p><p>To his surprise, someone is there. </p><p>It’s not Ray. It’s not Ghet. It’s not Lanie. </p><p>Oh. Oh no.</p><p>Havok’s laugh tears out of his throat. “Are you kiddin me?” </p><p>The person hunched over the bar stiffens, whirls, hands raised defensively. They don’t say anything, but their breathing picks up. Havok’s too tired, too hungry, too weak to feel bad about it. </p><p>“Another one,” he says. His eyes burn from the bright lights. “Another one, right now.”</p><p>The person cocks their head to the side. Their hands drop by a fraction. “Havok,” they whisper carefully. “You’re Havok.”</p><p>“You’ve got one up on me,” Havok sighs. “And who are you?”</p><p>“Snart,” they say, and look surprised at their answer. </p><p>“Snrat. Amazin. Wonderful.” Havok storms forward - Snart scampers around the island to the other side, eyes still carefully fixed on the door. </p><p>Havok isn’t going for them. He grabs the fridge door, yanks it open - there’s barely anything in there. A couple apples. Some oranges. Some leftover pasta clearly labeled with Lanie’s name. </p><p>Havok squints at it and distinctly remembers Lanie already having their share of pasta at dinner. He’ll have to talk to them about that. </p><p>He grabs an apple from inside, turns to lecture Snart hypocritically on strict mealtimes -</p><p>They’re gone. </p><p>The kitchen is empty.</p><p>Havok puts his head in his hands and feels like crying.</p><p>~</p><p>“What?” Havok yelps. Ashley doesn’t flinch, just looks at him, unimpressed.</p><p>“Glasses,” she reaffirms. “You need glasses.”</p><p>“Can’t you fix that?” he says, desperately. They can’t afford a stop at a colony for that long. They can’t afford this triviality. They can’t -</p><p>“No,” Ashley frowns.</p><p>“Well, then, I’ll just have to go without,” Havok snaps, pulling away from her hands. </p><p>“Listen,” Ashley insists. “You wanted to know why you were getting so many headaches. It’s cause your vision is going downhill. I can touch it up for now, but it’ll just keep degrading. You need the long term fix.”</p><p>“You’ll just have to get used to me comin in here,” Havok says stubbornly. </p><p>“I’m not doing this for the rest of your life,” Ashley says dryly.</p><p>She would, if Havok wanted. It would be so easy. She would do it, and she wouldn’t tell anyone, and -</p><p>Havok shakes his head. “I’m fine,” he says. “Thanks.”</p><p>“You need -”</p><p>“We’re not,” he snaps, “wastin money on this. Drop it.”</p><p>And with a glazed-eye nod, Ashley does.</p><p>~</p><p>“You look tired,” Ghet says softly. To his left, Khio swings his legs off the side of the ship. </p><p>Havok shrugs, leaning against the railing. “No. It’s just been chaotic, lately.”</p><p>“Tell me about it,” Khio grumbles. “Why did we let Kat on board, again?”</p><p>Ghet hums. “Yeah, I agree. But I like it, you know? Gives this place life.”</p><p>Havok does admit that. He remembers when the halls would echo with lonely footsteps, when he and Saph struggled to keep themselves in the air, when Lanie would stay awake for days on end, no one else to take their place. “It’s good to have a full crew,” he shrugs. “It’s hard to keep track of them all.” And that’s the part he hates. </p><p>“There’s so many now,” Ghet says. “We’re really growing into a community.”</p><p>“I hate it,” Khio says with happy sarcasm.</p><p>And it’s awful, but Havok - </p><p>And it’s selfish, but Havok -</p><p>And it’s true, but Havok -</p><p>“I just might,” he says, and it’s clear there is no sarcasm there. It rips from his mouth and into the wind; they hear him anyway.</p><p>Khio stops swinging his legs. Ghet turns, frowns. “What?”</p><p>“There’s so many people,” Havok tries to explain, and pain stabs behind his eyes. Ghet’s worried frown blurs into his face. “It’s too many. It’s too loud, it’s -”</p><p>“Havok,” Ghet says. “Are you okay?”</p><p>“No,” he laughs. It feels good/feels bad/feels horrible to finally say it. “No.”</p><p>“What are you saying?” Khio frowns. </p><p>“I’m sayin it’s too much,” and it is. “I can’t do it all. I’m sorry. I’m -”</p><p>It’s too much, talking to so many, watching himself fail to stop his powers from bleeding out. It’s too much, staring out at the sky for hours on end without stopping, the weight of their lives in his hands. It’s too much, the pain in his head, it’s too much, it’s too much, it’s too much.</p><p>“We didn’t know,” Ghet says. His eyes are wide. “Havok.”</p><p>Havok ignores him, standing on shaking legs. “I’m goin to check on Lanie,” he whispers. </p><p>His head hurts, and he knows it will only get worse.</p><p>~</p><p>Things are different, after that. Saph makes him take more breaks from the helm, Ollie makes sure he eats enough every day. </p><p>It makes him feel helpless, at first, and it hurts him when he sees his control reach out and grab them, it hurts him when he has to cut it off and they’re left blinking, aware of what he’s just done. It hurts him when he apologizes. It takes him too short a time to start speaking again. </p><p>The days drag on. It’s just as tiring. His vision doesn’t get any better, but with Ashley’s reluctant help it doesn’t get worse. </p><p>He learns all their names. He learns where they came from. </p><p>There’s so many, there’s too many, but when he listens to them and calls them friend, when they return the favor?</p><p>Havok thinks it’s not as bad as it was. </p><p>And it could be so much worse.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is an au in our server with our own original characters set in my skyrates universe! So. It’s really just for myself,</p></blockquote></div></div>
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